Be Your Own Godmother: Hack The ‘Happy Ever After’

Be Your Own Godmother: Hack The ‘Happy Ever After’

[This is the first of a series of four articles. Stay tuned and subscribe for the upcoming part2, part 3 and part 4]

Every new year, we’re bombarded with chatter about resolutions. Self-care and fitness industries ramp up their promotions (and our guilt quotient). Is it any surprise then, that January is also the cruelest month for us depressives?


Depression sucks. But you knew that already. On some days it’s a prickly escape to no-no land: no, I won’t do this. Not that either. On others, it’s numbing armor and a high-speed mood processor – pulsing, crushing, pureeing everything in its steel jaws.


I took decades to name it, own it…stumble through some haphazard ways to cope. The idea of tapping into one’s happy chemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins—D.O.S.E. for short) once sounded too good to be true. But then came a time when I was willing to give D.O.S.E. a go.

How about you? The tips below aren’t perfect, and may not entirely break through that wall of resistance that’s your cocoon. And that’s OK. Nor do these abide any “it’s all in your head; be positive and bam! you’ll be better” crap.

Some of the following self-remedies cost money, many, however, are free. Free is important. Not just because women typically feel guilty about splurging on self-care. More, because many of us talk ourselves out of spending money on our needs since we’re not worth it.

So go ahead, add your own tadkas as you tweak your happy chemicals into heady cocktails.

Dopamine is our motivation molecule; our pleasure center and reward chemical rolled into one quick thrill. We feel awesome when we’ve achieved something, been successful, but crave artificial highs when it depletes. Procrastination, self-doubt, and lack of enthusiasm and focus are linked with low levels of dopamine. Lethargy, self-destructive and addictive behaviors may soon follow.

When you become aware of this red flag, try some of the following:

1) Make a list of your accomplishments


Asha Rangappa, ex-FBI Special Agent, doesn’t make new-year resolutions anymore. Instead, she lists successes and hits from the previous year. She says it’s more positive and energizing than a big, fat (and unrealistic) to-do list. Put this brag-list in your Reminders on the phone, or pin it to your fridge or bulletin board. Heck, tape it to the bathroom mirror.

Don’t forget that self-pep talk (more on this later). You are not a loser. You are not lazy no matter how much you procrastinate. In fact, you may just be feeling de-motivated at the moment. These moments don’t define you.

One of my favorite romance writers, Alisha Rai who also struggles with depression, has this to say: “You can be strong and have moments of incredible despair when everything feels like it’s collapsing in on you, and yes when you feel like this, you want to die. Those moments are not weaknesses. They are simply moments. And they are not you.” 

2) Feel pride

You can still do amazing things.


3) Set new goals


If you trust apps and aren’t resistant to organizers (like me), try a project management app like Trello to organize your goals and values. Because it is possible to change and get better no matter how slow your pace, or what the inner voice tells you. Just because others around you are driven and motivated, doesn’t mean you’re defective.

4) Stop comparing

Do you: find your own rhythm, your own path. If setting goals seem too daunting, just plan for today. OK, half a day. Make a list and cross things off when you complete even the minutest of tasks.

Admiral William McRaven says to start the day by making your bed: “If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed.

5) Take breaks

In between tasks, or break tasks into bite-size pieces. Chunkify. Set timers. Do reward yourself: Take a nap. Light a scented candle or sandalwood agarbatti. Dab on a favorite perfume—even if you’re in your jammies.


Surround yourself with favorite things. Treat yourself as an honored guest—get that fine china out, or any of the good stuff you’ve been salting away for special occasions.

6) Keep Learning

This has been life-saving for me. My big aha! moment of self-awareness came with the concept of developing a growth mindset as explained by Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford. For decades I made myself feel rotten because of some foolish attachment to the idea of perfection thus avoiding problems and challenges.

If I couldn’t do it perfectly, what was the point? If others did it so well, then I’m just a failure, and so on. Hello, they weren’t perfect, to begin with. They tried. They failed. And they tried again.

7) Try


Balance the doubt with a little faith. Find the idea of self-care cringeworthy, too privileged? Think of nourishing your resilience to keep strong for the future.

8) Stretch


9) Stand tall

Make yourself physically bigger. Breathe deep and expand with each breath. Widen your stance. Reach up. Take up a room.

You could also discuss magnesium deficiency with your physician and inquire about vitamins C and E that help with dopamine production.

Featured image: when people become entrepreneurs

Disclaimer: This article has earlier been published in

US India Politics Culture Literature Art Teaching Sustainability Writing Feminism Wellness Dogs Cats Science Naps…in no particular order. Enthusiastic retweeter.


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Jaya Dubey
I’m sharing an article someone sent me: Give yourself a mindfulness Valentine By J McKinna February 14, 2018 McKinna is a certified yoga instructor and a meditation teacher. Here he delves into ways to be mindful—even when it comes to using your smartphone! My meditation teacher, Sharon Salzberg, tells a traditional Native American story to illustrate the power of attention. “An elder talking to a child says, ‘I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is fearful, vengeful, envious, resentful and deceitful. The other wolf is compassionate, loving, generous, truthful and peaceful.’ “The child asks, ‘Which wolf will… Read more »
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